How to Improve Your Movie Going Experience

 I hate it when people bemoan the movie going experience.  “It’s too expensive!” Really?  The film cost $200 million to make and you’re upset about the $12 ticket?  “The food is too expensive!” Then don’t buy any fattie.  “People talk during the movies!”  It’s because you’re seeing a PG-13 movie on a Friday at 7:25pm, everyone knows teens are The Worst and yet you flocked to their honey which is awful PG-13 movies during the weekend.

But with these few tips from a guy who sees one movie a month (that’s the definition of a “frequent movie goer” by your Mom who I see there all the time) you are guaranteed to have a better time at the movies.

Go at 10:30am on a Tuesday

First, you’re going to have to take a day off from work.  Better yet, just quit.  By going this early not only do you get matinee prices but the only other people there are retirees and the fellow unemployed and they are very respectful of the movie watching experience.  Also there will be no texting since the elderly don’t have phones and the jobless can’t afford them.

Bring Chipotle

You want to eat while watching a movie.  For some reason, eating and watching something is the equivalent of a menage-a-trois.  You mean I get to watch people in funny/unique situations and consume calories?  Thank you, may I have another?  The reason for Chipotle is that you don’t want “crunchy” food or anything with a loud wrapper.  The burrito in tin foil is the perfect “sneak something into the theater” food and you can hide it in your JNCO jeans pretty easily.


You’ve made a huge mistake by going to see Black Swan.  This happens.  You loved Requiem for a Dream, The Phantom Menace, and That 70s Show but it just didn’t click for you.  What’s a great way to get through two to five minutes of it?  Masturbate.  You’re surprised?  Why?  The title of the paragraph was “Masturbate,” you really should have seen that cumming.  Pun.  Awful awful pun.

Do Drugs

You know how they say drugs are bad for you?  Well, here’s a secret, they also are tremendously fun.  You ever had sex on Ecstasy?  They say you shouldn’t just because it’s so AWESOME regular sex won’t be the same.  I mean, have you ever heard of a better advertisement for anything? “This is SO great it’s going to essentially ruin another great activity for the rest of your life.”  So imagine being stoned watching Tron.  It’s going to be so AWESOME all other movies will not be as good and this is fucking Tron we are talking about.

Reject Your Moral Structure

So you’ve invested a lot of time and money and Chipotle and masturbating and drugs into seeing this movie and that should make you think, “What?  What am I doing with my life?  I quit my JOB to see Gulliver’s Travels?  Why?  Dear God why!?!?!?!”  These are all valid questions that I cannot answer.  Frankly, what lead you to these decisions is much more important than the decisions themselves.  Why did you listen to me?  What happened in your past to make you give up your normal life and follow my Internet advice and essentially destroy the life you had meticulously curated from picking the proper college, the correct job, the right drapes that told the world, “This guy KNOWS drapes.”  These are the questions you need to post on Yahoo Answers quickly so you can get the help and resolutions you need so we can meet up and see The Dilemma next Tuesday.

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