Presumptive Movie Reviews

It’s expensive to see movies.  It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them.  Here’s what’s opening this week.
Just Go With It  
Just go fuck yourself.  Seriously, this movie is awful and here’s FIVE very good reasons. #1 Brooklyn Decker in no universe would be interested in Adam Sandler, I don’t care if Sandler’s character cured Decker’s Mom of AIDS, they would never insert tab A into slot B. #2 Jennifer Aniston is just going to give her kids to Sandler since Decker loves kids?  Why would having NOT having kids be a dealbreaker?  #3 Adam Sandler’s character wears a wedding ring to pick up chicks.  This is such an old and dumb trope, I don’t even know how to begin so I’ll end it. #4 Somehow Sandler is going to end up with Aniston at the end of this movie which is a desperate attempt to get females to think guys like homely chicks.  Everyone loves homely chicks who look like Jennifer Aniston.  #5 Every commercial opens with a shot of Decker’s tits in a bikini top.  I know I have boner issues that we’ve previously discussed but this is just offensive.  When you break down women like that, focusing solely on one part, making them less than human, (THIS HORSE IS SO FUCKING HIGH THAT I AM UPON BY THE WAY) that it’s disrespectful to all of humanity.  I hope this movie fails and that everyone who worked on it fails at a lot of other activities today as well.
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never
I’m not going to watch the trailer for this or pretend I’ve seen any commercials or gone into any Bieber chat rooms on tinyurl.  I know you guys expect top notch research but my research team (me) was on a wicked bender this week.  As best as I can surmise, the film is a compilation of footage from Beiber before stardom and during stardom where he’s dancing and singing and not hitting puberty.  The Beebs is a weird dude, he’s 16 but looks 12, which is just maybe how it is in Canada?  I also love how he dresses like a hipster from 2007 but it’s 2011 and now everyone in tight pants and huge sneakers are all, “Well, it’s time for huge pants and flip-flops” or as I like to call that look, mid-2000s Ripatranzone.  The point of this movie is that youtube is a legitimate platform to launch your career even if your career is just the 934th iteration of “teenage hearthrob sings boring songs that tweens love.”  The weird thing is, I have a lot more hatred for Sandler than Biebies this week, Bebes doesn’t know better, he’s 16, I can’t fault him.  GET YOUR MONEY BOOBOO but Sandler, cripes.
Gnomeo And Juliet
HAHAHA GNOMEO I JUST GOT THAT!  So clever Jewish or Harvard writers.  The premise is that a bunch of garden gnomes come alive but also are in a fierce family struggle and two gnomes want to fuck but can’t and end up killing each other.  At least that’s how I hope it plays out like that in 3D.  The lesson is that someone just thought of that title and then they made a shitty movie THE END.

New Movie Trailers

 X-Men: First Class & Captain America – You know, for the nerds, both young and old.

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