Five Crazy Things Pregnant Women and New Mothers Do to Celebrate Their Offspring

If you are pregnant or a mother, you know all of the emotions that go along with having a baby. I won’t patronize you by listing them, because I have no idea. Love? Excitement? Hunger? Who knows, but I’m sure they’re great.

What I can speak to, however, are the feelings that go along with watching someone else go through all of that. As a person who has had many conversations with pregnant women and new moms, I can tell you the experience makes me feel grossed out,  alarmed and concerned about the future of our country and how weird it’s going to be. Let’s check out a few reasons for these emotions in this look at five crazy things some women (and men) do when babies are involved.

5. Belly painting

This is why whenever anyone asks my pick for a hypothetical super power I NEVER pick X-ray vision.

In my attempts to determine how this trend started and why women choose to paint the most engorged part of themselves, I stumbled on a book and kit sold by Amazon with the tagline, “A beautiful baby deserves a beautiful belly.” And that should pretty much tell you everything you need to know about this concept. Your baby is going to be so special and so perfect…would you make him or her travel around in a normal looking belly, like a common hobo baby? Granted, your child can’t see the outside of her home (the first person to invent a womb decoration system will make BANK), but that’s what photos are for. Lots and lots of photos:

Did you know those carnival airbrush t-shirt stands also painted human stomachs?

4. Baby’s first Facebook page

I wonder if in the future there will even be such a concept as "over-share."

Parents share things about their children on Facebook. It makes total sense. Facebook was invented to help college students hook up. Now that they’ve hooked up, they can use Facebook to share 500 photos of the result of that with their friends, family and former preschool classmates. Cool.

Here’s what’s not cool: starting a profile for your baby to post photos and status updates as your newborn child. This is crossing a number of lines, and it’s bound to make your friends uncomfortable. Am I supposed to friend your baby now? Because, quite frankly, I don’t know him that well and from what I do know he seems like a self-involved jerk.

Also, the simple process of logging in and out of accounts to post as both you and an infant seems like it’ll get complicated really quick, resulting in a lot of this:

3. Bronzing/casting

Art is subjective, so it is impressive to find a piece that makes EVERYONE uncomfortable.

Again, sometimes Amazon provides the best insights into why people choose to do the things they do. In the customer reviews for a product called “Proudbody Pregnancy Belly Cast Kit,” I discovered the claim that, “Pictures just don’t do your pregnant body justice! This is an excellent way to have a three dimensional, tactile remembrance of your belly.”

Now, if people feel they need a tactile remembrance, that’s fine. Weird, but fine. It’s the question of what you do with it – like hanging it in a hallway – that starts to make people uncomfortable. I feel the same way about people who get casts of their children’s hands or feet.

Is this supposed to be cute? Because this is the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

2. Nude photos

NO.

I think the biggest question I have about nude photos taken during pregnancy is who are these photos for? If they’re for you, privately, to keep and remember this time in a private way, then that’s all well and good and private. But something about bringing a new life into the world seems to make some women think people want to see what that looks like. I can assure you, I’ve got as good an idea as I want. Let’s just leave it at that.

And if you ever plan on showing these pictures to the baby, well that’s another matter all together. People are a broad, diverse race with different cultures and beliefs and upbringings. So it seems impossible to say that all of humanity would respond the same to a question. But I am willing to bet that if you asked every single human in the world, “Do you want to see a nude picture of your mom?” that each and every one of them would punch you in the face for putting that image in their heads. I’m discounting anyone that would say yes due to deeply rooted psychological issues because this is a humor blog and I don’t want to get into all that – and doesn’t the fact that anyone who would say yes probably have psychological issues tell you everything you need to know?

1. Anything to do with placenta

You're welcome.

I believe the word “placenta” is the grossest word in the English language, so you can imagine my feelings about the resurgence in its popularity. It seems that many women are bringing back the beliefs of older cultures that this organ must be celebrated – either by burying it, making it into keepsakes (seriously, I won’t post that picture here but that’s a thing), or…eating it.

The rationale behind this movement is apparently that this (I’m trying to avoid the word as much as possible) is a “life-giving organ” that sustained your baby and should be honored as such. I guess my problem with it is that most life-giving biological processes and entities are disgusting. Just because something is part of the circle of life does not mean that you should eat it. Actually, especially because something is part of the circle of life does not mean that you should eat it.

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4 Responses to Five Crazy Things Pregnant Women and New Mothers Do to Celebrate Their Offspring

  1. Ripatranzone says:

    So the second to last picture is definitely kiddie porn, right?

    How do you like Slacktivist now Mom?!?!?!

  2. outspokenslacktivist says:

    Oh…yeah, I probably should have mentioned we’re all on an FBI list now.

  3. Pingback: Are Women Crazy? |

  4. Pingback: Five Ways for Congress to Increase Its Ratings |

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