This is why you’re bad at Facebook.

Facebook, for better or worse, looks like it may replace conversation as the predominant form of human interaction. That’s a lie, of course, because conversation was replaced long ago by texting, and before that by email and before that by ignoring someone while you watch television. Regardless, Facebook is now the way that many of us communicate with our closest friends, former biology teachers and future would-have-been employers who will never hire us now because they’ve read our blog.

Like any other form of communication, not everyone is great at it. Here are just a few of the things you do that are making your 500 friends groan out loud every time you share what’s on your mind.

You have a tenuous grasp of the written language.

What you think this post says: I am better than just about everyone.

What it really says: I have never finished a book.

You use tween abbreviations even though you’re 34.

What you think this says: Thank you for attending our wedding.

What this really says: I am a 12 year-old bride who laughs at the end of sincere sentiments for some reason.

You ambush people with sadness.

What you think this says: Life is harder for me because I am so sensitive and I feel everyone’s pain.

What this really says: I don’t have a lot going on in my life, leaving me plenty of time to dwell on my own mortality.

You post the inane things people say to fill the silence in elevators.


What you think this says: Whenever I have a thought, I like to post it to Facebook so my friends always know what’s on my mind.

What this really says: I am so lonely.

You post song lyrics even though, once again, you’re 34. 

What you think this says: I’m so creative that music is the only way to express how I feel.

What this really says: I am not creative enough to express how I feel through my own words. Also, I’m an adult that listens to Taylor Swift.

You copy and paste anything.

What you think this says: I’m a proud aunt who loves my nephew!

What this really says: If I had your email address, I would forward you so many chain letters.

You hijack other people’s statuses to talk about yourself.

What you think this says: I’m just making conversation.

What this really says: Fine, if you won’t acknowledge my whining on my own posts, I will bring it to you.

You crowdsource problems that should be handled by professionals.

What you think it says: I value the opinions of my friends very highly, even over medical professionals.

What it really says: WebMD just doesn’t give me the kind of attention and sympathy I’m looking for.

You tell rambling stories with no punctuation.

What you think this says: My life is non-stop hilarity.

What it really says: Im drunk.

You don’t actually know how to use Facebook.

What you think this says: I’m just chatting with my friend Barb. Why…what did I do?

What this really says: My grandson made me this Facebook account.


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12 Responses to This is why you’re bad at Facebook.

  1. Ron Donald says:

    My personal favorite is the “facejacking” but I hate the crowdsourcing…like I want to see 50 people give bad advice.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Along with the grammar one, the thing I hate the most is people that write “heyyyyyy girlllll!!!!! Happppppyyyy Birthdayyyyy!!!!!” I don’t understand what the extra letters mean, but maybe you have input. Also, don’t forget the the people that write to each other about stupid stuff like “I miss you” or “Hey this movie just came out we have to go” when they speak to each other on a regular basis.

  3. Ripatranzone says:

    If you do these all ironically, it’s OK, right? RIGHT? lulz.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Facebook should be used only for stalking hot chicks and then fapping to their public pictures. That’s it.

  5. hershmire says:

    Nice. Kind of reminds me of Your Friend From HS twitter feed:
    http://twitter.com/#!/friendfromhs

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  9. Leah says:

    YOU FORGOT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO LEAVE CAPS LOCK ON ALL THE TIME FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

    • Leah says:

      Ooh. And people who say something pointless, followed by “text ittttttt.” And people who complain that no one is texting or calling them.

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