Hint: I took the title, but instead of a normal “h”, I used a “sp”, thereby completely changing the meaning! Now doesn’t that just ruin your pants?
I like to think of Hamsterdam as a miniature Italian Renaissance, a lunar eclipse, and a bris, all rolled into one tasty blog: when we’re on, we’re brilliant, almost blindingly so; when we’re not, well, dicks get cut.
Spammers, on the other hand, see this not as a place of wonder and awe, but a fertile field well-suited for planting spam.
The WordPress spam filter picks up 99% of these drive-by automated comments, and 100% of the lone human comment. Believe me when I say I’m not railing against spam here. Our SEO Report Card lets us know what types of weirdos read our blogs, but this is our chance to truly celebrate the people nearly driving us out of business. Without further ado, here’s some of the stuff not named ripatranzone that doesn’t see the light of day. Welcome, readers, to the contents of Spamsterdam!
1. Free Stuff!
As the old saying goes, if it sounds too good to be true, you are just lying to me because you want it all for yourself. An iPad is no exception. Here, some individual displays great generosity and true mastery of the English language, making me an offer I’d be crazy to turn down. A free iPad? Damn, it truly is time to be happy.
2. Naked famous people
Well, this is a little more direct. No fancy use of the broken English language here, this is straight (and sometimes not-so-straight) business. Trouble is, if I really wanted to look for something naughty on the internet, I’m not sure the Hamsterdam comments section would be my primary resource. A blog about sports, movies, crappy TV shows, and troubling trends in pop culture just doesn’t rank up there. Easily the best part about this is the advertisement for fakes. I wonder what the market is for that. “Real…real…real…man, what a lousy bunch of…WAIT, IS THAT A POOR CUT & PASTE JOB I SEE?”
3. Get Ripped
Jake! Dude it’s been forever. Whatcha been up to bro? Did you ever find that ##keyword? You look pretty jacked, you been hitting the gym? Damn, you did that all at home? What’s your secret? Oh yea, I’ve heard about that system – you only need a set free weights and a pair of jumper cables, right? Me? Na, I don’t think I’ve got time right now. Oh, only 30 minutes a day? Actually, what I meant to say is that I’m seeing this girl and she loves that I’m marginally out-of-shape, definitely don’t wanna ruin what I’ve got going on right here. You know what I’m saying? Anyways, gotta get going, definitely stay in touch. Do me a favor and ‘like’ this on facebook, k?
What’s your endgame? Shit, I think we’ve been incepted.
5. Pray it away, together.
This doesn’t sound like such a bad deal: a central hall available for various activities, a lounge for my student needs, and something called cafe prayer rooms. I can only begin to imagine what this includes. I’m thinking between classes you can stop in for a scone, and request to smite an enemy. Because those are the first two things I would want. Problem is, the author didn’t leave a clue where this wonderful place might be. I’m going to go ahead and say it: it sounds like Heaven. Scones and smiting. Maybe Sugel is God’s handle. I feel like every answer leads to two more questions.
Add about 500 more pieces of spam, and I think we’ve got an accurate picture of what doesn’t make it onto the blog. A big shout-out to WordPress for leaving our comments section more barren than my uterus. Next week we’ll check in to see how our favorite pieces of meat did on Biggest Loser Weeks 3-4. Hopefully, they too learned about P90X.