I did not start drinking until my mid-20s. It was the biggest mistake of my life.
Now that I drink, I do it a lot. When I drive to work or when I’m performing surgery, I like to tip a few tall boys back and get my swerve on. I also enjoy using dated drinking references.
The only reason I enjoy drinking is the social aspect of it as I don’t have a glass of wine by myself when I come home from a hard day at the hospital. With drugs, there’s a social element as well but those are tailored to the specific drug. With weed, it’s a lot of laughter and eating, it’s a communal feeling of bonding over minuscule things like ice cream or Tosh.0. With cocaine, it’s OMGCOCAINE and jagged thoughts that lead to nowhere but at least you feel hip. With Molly or E, it can be an intense exploration of your emotional infrastructure…which may be a bad thing if you’re inherently a dick.
With drinking, it’s a little bit of all those things but you are around more people. Generally, when you are in an altered state of mind, it’s best not to intermingle with people in a different altered state. Being stoned and then around loud drunks isn’t fun. Doing mushrooms and being trapped in a bathroom with someone on coke isn’t an ideal scenario. Actually, being one on one with anyone coked out isn’t fun (Unless they are rich, then something REALLY FUN is about to happen). So, since alcohol is the chosen drug of the masses, it makes it the most accessible and acceptable for everyone involved and everyone is on the same plane of fuckedupness to make bad sexual choices and peeing on the sidewalk seem reasonable.
If everyone is drunk with a common theme running through the reason for drinking, it bring us closer together as a society. I’m not sure which countries have more drinking holidays or entire months dedicated to drinking in October but I’m sure they were super peaceful during the early 1940s.
Anyway, here are the best five drinking days of the year…
#5 First Football Saturday (For College Bros) or Sunday (For NFL Bros)
I know some of you don’t like football. Go to hell. Sorry to be so aggressive but this is DAY DRINKING IN THE FALL. Sorta. I know it’s still warm around Labor Day but maybe there’s a cool breeze. OK, I’m losing you, let me reel you in.
Most drinking occurs at night. Very natural. Everyone is less inhibited at night but once in awhile you do night activities during the day (drinking, sex, sleeping) and isn’t it amazing? It’s like, “Whoa, I’m doing this during the day, what a neat twist!” You wouldn’t exactly say that because no one but your Grandma Rose talks like that but you’re picking up what I’m throwing down.
There are other “Great Drinking Day Days” like July 4th or a random pub crawl but the football/fall/day drinking combination is unbeatable…except for the next four choices.
#4 New Years Eve
Some people call New Years Eve “Amateur Night” because a lot of people drink to excess and vomit. Those people should shut up.
It’s cold everywhere in America and you have to stay up until midnight. Are you NOT going to drink? Are you NOT going to wear a ridiculous paper hat and oversized 2012 glasses? No, you will because you’ve been drinking and you’re going to start going to the gym on the first Monday of the year, except this year since the first Monday is January 2nd and that’s too close to January 1st you’ll wait until 2013 to lose those last 25 pounds.
I may have been projecting with that last sentence. We’ll just never know. I don’t have time to research myself.
The point is everyone is drinking celebrating a singular thing, time. Deep. DEEP.
#3 Random Wedding
As much as I dislike things like people and happiness, I actually like weddings. Love and commitment and the ceremony that goes along with it is fun to witness and to be invited to participate is quite an honor.
And you can drink for free.
Everything is better when free. I had two AWFUL tiny sandwiches yesterday and a pasta salad but it was free so it was delicious. I’m not sure the joy of a free meal will ever go away, I hope not. So free alcohol? Wow. WOW. Plus I get to wear a suit and drink; look at Don Draper over here, “Peggy! Get me a Bushmills and a starched shirt!”
Plus, there’s dancing. And if you don’t like to dance, there’s food. And there’s old people. They are adorable. Especially when they are drunk.
#2 St. Patrick’s Day
Now, this is an actual day dedicating to drinking. Unlike the other days where there is another activity and you happen to drink to celebrate, drinking is the central theme to St. Patrick’s day. Great. I’m all in. I hate Guinness but like freckles so that’s a wash.
The intangibles of St. Patrick’s day are what takes it to the next level. First, it’s right at the beginning of Spring. Sometimes it’s freezing and you have to drink through it. Sometimes it’s a little warm and you can drink outside and that’s great. Also, it’s coincides with Spring Break for college so you have college girls or guys drinking with you. Sorta great. It also coincides either with the NCAA Tournament or Conference Championship week. Again, sports + drinking, great.
I’m not a huge fan of everyone wearing green but I do like that if you wear just a sliver of green, that’s OK. I also enjoy how everyone needs to explain the exact percentage of their Irishness that day. I’m 12.5%.
#1 Day Before Thanksgiving
Oh, that’s today. Crazy coincidence!
Here’s the scoop on today…it’s great. It’s so great I need to make a list INSIDE of a list to show it’s greatness. Meta-list.
1. You are on the cusp of the rare 4-day weekend. These only occur if you take days off or there’s a weather emergency or 9/11.
2. If you are between the ages of 18 – 30, you can see all the people you went to high school with at your local watering hole. This could be good or bad but you’ll be drunk so it won’t really matter.
3. You’re drunk.
4. You don’t have to wake up for anything the next day. There are no early morning gifts to be exchanged or trips to Church so no one should be yelling at you to wake up for anything.
5. You’re hungover. You need food. How about some small apps and dips at noonish? Oh, how about dinner at 3pm? Turkey? Stuffing? Pie? Football? Wait.
6. Football! You are hungover and there’s goddamn football. And this year ALL THE GAMES MATTER.
7. You can drink more. You know why? You have Friday off.
Thanks and have a good Thanksgiving.