Presumptive Movie Reviews

It’s expensive to see movies.  It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them.  Here’s what’s opening this week. [Ed. Note: No movies opened this week that anyone cares about so we’re digging into the vault for some oldies.]

The Godfather Part II December 20th, 1974

How fucking pretentious are these assholes?  Part II?  Really? REALLY?  Why not just call it Godfather: Back to Italy? Please tell me they actually light the movie this time, I could barely see shit the last time.  And what’s with all the violence? Can’t everyone chill?  “It’s business, not personal.”  It seems personal when you shoot two people in the face.  I hope there’s more of the cat from the beginning.  He was chill.  The Catfather.  I am Laughing out Loud as I drink Sanka and sit at my typewriter that is brand new and I’ll never feel the need to replace since technology won’t advance much.  What I really liked about the first one, besides the cat, was Fredo and I hope they explore his story more while lightening up the mood.  I really think he has a lot to offer the family and can change the whole “sad” dynamic that Michael has instilled and offer some much needed comic relief to this dying film franchise that no one will remember in two years.

Rocky December 3rd, 1976

Does anyone remember The Godfather Part II from two years ago?  So good!  Glad we have another Italian story to discuss, more importantly, and finally, the white man is victorious!  I’m so tired of black people winning everything in America.  I mean, they just got the right to vote eleven years ago, RELAX ALREADY!   What’s next, your own genre of music where you rhyme a bunch of words together over a rhythmic drumbeat? Good luck with that INSANE concept.  Anyway, this movie looks great.  Who doesn’t love Philadelphia?  Salt of the earth people there, just super nice and sweet and deserving of a champion.  I’m very intrigued to see how Sylvester Stallone’s career goes over the next few decades, I envision him playing a variety of characters since this “tough guy” approach isn’t going to last into the 1980s.

Star Wars May 25th, 1977

You know what I love?  Pretending.  I LOVE PRETENDING.  I love costumes and spaceships and lasers.  I love decorative glasses from Burger King depicting furry creatures.  I love ideas like “The Force” and how it’s a correlation between faith and God.  I love lasers.  Basically this movie has everything I’ve never seen before, a whole other world with rules that are completely arbitrary from ours.  Literally nothing will be similar!  It’s going to have a whole other language and way to communicate and value systems and non-white people ruling everything.   Maybe we’ll take our fashion cues from them.  Maybe.  Just maybe.  One thing I know for certain that you can write on my tombstone as I die from the Cuban Missile Crisis which I’m pretty sure is going on in 1977, Mark Hamill is going to have an impact as big as Jimmy Carter on American society!

New Movie Trailers

Bad Ass – A parody of Epic Beard Man?

Prometheus – Ridley Scott being Ridley Scott

The Hobbit – Who cares.

Polar bear cub just cannot get comfortable – Via Videogum

Meek Mill – “Ya’ll Don’t Here Me Tho”

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