Where You Buy Groceries Explains Everything About You

Consumerism has become ingrained into our identities.  Your personality isn’t what defines your persona anymore, your persona is construed by how you choose to spend your money on clothes, entertainment, and groceries.  If you think differently than that, you’re wrong and probably shop at all the wrong stores.

Whole Foods

Whole Foods is way better than Quarter Foods. Fraction humor.

Random sentence you could hear while waiting in line: “I gave a thousand dollars to PBS and I don’t even watch it, THAT’S how much I care.”

You are smug but don’t know it.  You enjoy scarves.  You liked high school.  You say The Black Keys is your favorite band but it’s really The Dave Matthews Band.  You wish they sold Diet Coke at Whole Foods.  You wish old people wouldn’t move so slow around the food bar at Whole Foods.  Your wedding had 300 people.  You wear sunglasses everywhere.  You know which pharmacist in your neighborhood won’t judge you when you pick up Plan B on Sunday mornings.  How I Met Your Mother is your favorite TV show.

Wal-Mart

God Bless America.

Random sentence you could hear while waiting in line: “Excuse me, what aisle has the meth? Also, what aisle can I sell my baby?  Lastly, what is an ‘aisle’?”

You have several children and all but one are currently shirtless.  You like tubs of butter.  You don’t have health insurance and don’t give a fuck if the cashier at Wal-Mart has insurance.  You follow college football recruiting and are not paid to follow college football.  You believe in God.  You think a hipster is an overweight dancer from the 1920s.  You shave using a straight razor.  When someone says, “drafting” you think of NASCAR first.  You have “haters.”  You are unaware of the stereotypes of shopping at Wal-Mart.

Trader Joe’s

The red & white umbrella cover seems a bit much since there's a ceiling.

Random sentence you could hear while waiting in line: “Baby yoga isn’t as weird as it sounds.”

You enjoy crying.  You feel bad about gentrification but you can’t afford to not to gentrify.  You like don’t like Urban Outfitters but dress like you shop at Urban Outfitters.  You failed at starting a “Fuckyeah…” meme on Tumblr.  You wear colorful socks.  You’re considered the “funny one” of your social circle but you steal your jokes from Twitter.  You think hand jobs are a retro sexual move that will start sweeping the nation.  You know way too much information about one specific sport, except football.  You always pick the slow lane at TJs.  You call it TJs.  You named your child TJ.  You are painfully aware of all stereotypes associated with shopping at TJs and you welcome them.

Ralphs/Krogers/Giant/Publix

Food.

Random sentence you could hear while waiting in line: “I usually never say this, but there’s too many frozen pizza options here.”

You do not live in a city.  You like cereal.  Sam Adams is a quality beer to you.  You own a SUV and really want to get an electric car but will never get an electric car.  You don’t know how to dance.  At least once a day you think about murdering your family but only once a year do you Google “How to get away with murder?”  You like turkey sandwiches.  You wear pajama pants all day on Sundays.  You inadvertently fall asleep on the couch three times a week.  You like that one Puff Daddy song from the 90s.  You hate rude people and racism, in that order.

Key Food

This place screams fresh produce!

Random sentence you could hear while waiting in line: “I’ve been shot.”

You live in New York City and don’t have any other super market options around you.  You use the term “super market” very loosely when describing this store.  You enjoy feeling claustrophobic.  You enjoy random liquids on the ground.  You enjoy security guards in a store that’s as big as your apartment.  You like one type of option for your crackers.  You enjoy six tiny step ladders in one aisle for no apparent reason.

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8 Responses to Where You Buy Groceries Explains Everything About You

  1. outspokenslacktivist says:

    This post made me happy and sad at the same time, thereby fulfilling the Hamsterdam mission statement. I’m starting a virtual slow clap for you.

  2. outspokenslacktivist says:

    “You blog.” – Local organic co-op

  3. Anonymous says:

    what about peapod

  4. nomnomnomics says:

    There has never been a paper bag for groceries…oh wait, yes, yes there has.

  5. NCAlex says:

    I was sent this link by a mutual friend and I legit laughed out loud. Good work Fellas!

    - I work for TJ’s

  6. Pingback: Five Words You Use That Tell People Everything About You |

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