This year, I will tell you how to destroy it. I’m so punk rock. Basically the Avril Lavigne of the Internet.
Everyone thinks for Valentine’s Day you have to kick up a notch in the bedroom and I tend to agree, a bottle of wine tends to loosen everyone up.
BUT NOT IN THAT WAY.
Any sure fire way to put a strain on the relationship is suggesting a sexual endeavor way outside of your partner’s comfort zone. This is outside of their comfort zone. This is outside of my writing comfort zone. So if you want things to go weird, just bring this up. Or if you want it to go “hella bad” just slip it in.
Ladies (cause we only have classy ladies who read this), you can bring this up to your boyfriends as well…for you to perform on them. When you bring up anal sex around women it’s a smile and a, “Nooooooo thanks” but when you bring it up to a guy it’s a, “OH MY GOD NO NO NO NO NO NO” as if it’s a referendum on their sexuality if they like to receive the most special of gifts back there. [Ed. Note: Ripatranzone is incredibly ashamed of the last few dozen words and would like to apologize.]
Buy the wrong size clothing for your partner.
Everyone has body dysmorphia or at least I like to think so. Outlandishly calling someone fat isn’t hard, what is hard is offering subtle suggestions that they are not the shape they want to be. There’s two ways this can go….
Woman to Man: “Huh, so you’re NOT a 40×28 pant size? Are you sure? I mean, I’ve bought a lot of jeans for my ex-boyfriends and they always fit correctly, like a 32×32 or 31×34 and they looked great and amplified their best parts. Sorry. Are you sure you’re not a 40×28 though cause you look it?”
Man to Woman: “I thought most girls are a size 4. You’re sister, who is quite voluptuous, is a size 4. How did I find that out? I sent her several Facebook messages where we discussed her wardrobe in intimate detail. Is that weird? I don’t think it’s weird. Why are you setting me on fire?”
Do not acknowledge that you know what Valentine’s Day is in any way.
This works better for first time Valentiners but simply do not discuss Valentine’s Day in any way leading up to February 14th.
Then, when the day finally arrives continue to not acknowledge it. This will build up suspense in your partner who starts to think, “Word up, this Valentine’s Day is going to be the bestest.” Then it will reach a point, most likely around nine o’clock when you turn on The New Girl that your significant other, who has been wearing a tux or a cocktail dress for the past three hours, realizes that you don’t have anything planned and you are either A) incredibly stupid B) incredibly mean C) incredibly stupid AND mean.
Subtly become a racist throughout the day.
7:47AM – “Happy Valentine’s day my love. Do you think Indians sleep in wig-wams still?”
10:48AM Instant Message – “smells weird at work, like that pakistan guy i tried to deport a few years ago lol”
1:05PM Phone call – “Reservations are for 8:00 at JPAN for Sushi. Ohhh herrrrrooooo!”
4:15PM Instant Message – “Goddamn Jews.”
8:17PM – “I like going for sushi because there won’t be any Mexicans around since they don’t drown the food in cheese and beans here. Also, Mexicans can’t afford it.”
10:34PM During Sex – “Call me LeBron. Call me D-Wade. Don’t call me Bosh. Noooooooo Boooooooosh!”
The Valentine’s break-up sounds like a killer because it’s one of the three major relationship holidays (V-Day, Anniversary, Birthday) and you spent a lot of time getting a gift and planning a dinner but who cares if you don’t like the person anymore? Just end it. You want to break it off in a way they will never want to contact you again? Break-up with them on a day that will now live in infamy for them. Plus, they can tell all of their friends, “He/she dumped me ON Valentine’s day. After the gift exchange but BEFORE sex. I know, the worst!”
Don’t do this if they have hot friends.