Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, so I hope you’re just about done with your “Shit Transsexual Flutists Say About Valentine’s Day” video or it’s going to be too late to be relevant (spoiler alert: it’s already too late to be relevant).
I know the common perception about Valentine’s Day is that only single people hate it, but I can assure you that it’s equally annoying to people in relationships. Everyone asks you what your plans are and you have to come up with a nice-sounding spin on “heat up a frozen pizza and fall asleep on the couch.”
And if you’re in a new relationship, it’s even worse. Because then you have to actually do something for Valentine’s Day, and I think we can all agree that there’s nothing worse than doing something for Valentine’s Day. You’re probably pretty desperate for ideas at this point, so to help out all of your burgeoning relationships this holiday, I’ve put together a list of five super weird gifts that will tell your Valentine, “I don’t understand social norms and customs.”
Footie pajamas are a great way to let your Valentine know that you never want to see her naked again. And leopard costume footie pajamas are a great way to say that you not only never want to see her naked, you also do not take her seriously as a person and think she would enjoy dressing as a sexier(?) version of Max from Where the Wild Things Are.
4. A Collection of Stuff from Walgreens
“What feels better than getting a heartfelt Valentine? Getting a bunch of random shit from Walgreens.” In all honesty, this one almost didn’t make the list, but that last shot at the end of the woman putting the High School Musical DVD into a gift box got me. Nothing says, “Oh shit, it’s Valentine’s Day and I forgot until I stopped by Walgreens for a yoga mat, deodorant and a Foreman grill” like a box of chocolates and an array of clearance DVDs.
3. A Karaoke-Style Cover of a Classic Song
I’m calling it now: This man has bodies buried in his basement. Do not be like him. Do not express your love for your significant other through a creepy Youtube video. Oh, and if you’re going to play a song for your significant other in person, be sure that you can sing and that they enjoy it. Nothing worse than trying to hold that, “This is lovely and romantic” fake smile for five whole minutes.
2. A Bizarrely Huge Teddy Bear
I know that this commercial is two minutes, and that seems too long to get the message across that “It’s a really big bear,” I implore you to watch the whole thing. Because the ways in which these women discover and interact with this gigantic teddy bear are amazing. Despite how overjoyed these women look to find a giant stuffed animal in their offices, where people probably once took them seriously until a giant stuffed animal showed up, I doubt the actual reaction would be that happy. And the part where it’s implied that a 4 and a half foot teddy bear will keep girlfriends happy while their men aren’t around? Gross, Vermont Teddy Bear. Gross.
1. The Pizza Hut Engagement Package
The weirdest part about this package is that it costs $10,000 and includes a ruby ring. Come on, Pizza Hut, you know if a man is going to have a fast food establishment plan his engagement, he better at least pull a diamond out of his pocket. The best part about this package is that it includes both a photographer and a videographer, which means that the awkwardness of fireworks going off after someone has said no to a proposal will be captured forever, and shared for all of us on Youtube. Happy Valentine’s Day!