Presumptive Movie Reviews

It’s expensive to see movies.  It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them.  Here’s what’s opening this week.

John Carter

*SPOILER ALERT* You are not interested in this movie.  I know you think you do because you like hunky, shirtless men traveling to a different world and conquering it but alas, you are busy this weekend with college basketball and Kony.  With a lot of movies I like to guess the specific population of people the Hollywood execs were trying to grab and with this gem I’m going with “Not Americans.”  Not that we are some super-intelligent culture who can only enjoy The Artist or Con Air but I picture when they were writing the script, a lot of notes from the studio were, “Please use small words and sentences that are easily translatable to other countries.  Thanks a mil!”

A Thousand Words

Eddie Murphy can only say a 1000 words before he loses the ability to speak.  This movie would have been great before the advent of technology.  I don’t think I “speak” a 100 words a day.  It’s a lot of sexting and sexIMs and sexmails so if Eddie Murphy reaches a 1000 words, he can be OK.  Maybe they put a qualifier “NO SEXTING” in the movie to get around this little issue but I doubt it.  The moral lesson of the movie is to not be self-centered and focus on your needs but to be patient and listen to other people’s needs.  Another way to say that is let other people be self-centered and you have to listen to it.  Twist!  Not really.  I don’t know.  None of us are ever going to see this and I don’t think that’s a bad thing in any way.

New Movie Trailers

Men in Black 3 – The sequel to No Country for Old Men

Unraveled – Not something.

Meeting Evil – This movie seems 12 years old

A Pig Flies

Beach House – “Myth”

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