Presumptive Movie Reviews

It’s expensive to see movies.  It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them.  Here’s what’s opening this week.

The Hunger Games

In a dystopian future (or other world) there’s different societies and once a year there’s a fight to death of children to see who can eat?  That’s what I vaguely remember from someone telling me about it and I’m sure the only thing right is “death of children” which is pretty intense for a teen book but I digress.  Or regress?  I’m gressing.  Everyone is very excited for this movie, it’s basically going to solve all of the world’s problems and fix the economy and get Mitt Romney elected and whoops that’s not solving anything haha political humor.  There is going to be a ton of themes in this movie so after you take your date to see it, mention the concept of “expressing personal independence in a monolithic society.”  I don’t know what that means.  Basically just throw a lot of words at someone that are multisyllabic in any situation when you are critiquing art and 95% of the time you are good to go.  Team Jacob!

The Raid Redemption

I didn’t watch the trailer for this and you know what?  I’m not going to.  I’m sorry.  I know I’m breaking down the fourth wall here but I don’t watch all the trailers or even have a semblance of what I’m taking about most of the time.  If I write three sentences that are incoherent but in the first two sentences set up a great joke in the third sentence, I’ll do it.  I’LL DO IT.  I know this is mind-blowing because you think I have my finger on the pulse of pop culture society and am very in-the-know living this amazing hipster Brooklyn life talking about #poetry and tumblrs but really I bang these reviews out on my couch while listening to obscure rap music while fighting the urge to order Chinese food for the third night in a row.  These are my thoughts.

New Movie Trailers

The 3 Stooges – Blech.

The Host – No idea what this is.

Jesus Henry Christ – It’s a movie!

“Best Friends!” via Cute Overload

Party Supplies – “Home”

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One Response to Presumptive Movie Reviews

  1. JDawg says:

    Welp guess I’m listening to Party Supplies- Firecrackers tonight

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