Gawker, your generation’s NPR, recently highlighted a study discussing the habits of the Millennial generation. In short, they are the worst.
Sure, there’s scientists and science and scientific studies proving that but who cares about science since everyone under 35 only has liberal arts degrees and works as Chief Innovation Officers for an Internet start-up in their step-Dad’s basement. The only way we can prove who is the worst generation is to
tweet blog about it.
First, what are all of the generations in human history (that we actually care about)?
The Silent Generation 1925 – 1945
Baby Boomers 1946 – 1964
Generation X 1965 – 1980
Millennials 1981 – 1995
Assholes 1996 – 2012
Second, what makes a great generation?
Who cares. Let’s get to the list…
5. The Silent Generation
Best Thing This Generation Created: Rock N Roll
Worst Thing This Generation Created: The Dallas Cowboys
If I was born in the shadows of WWI, The Great Depression, and WWII I’d be pretty silent too.
This generation is made up of your parents or grandparents. I have nothing ill to say about them, my parents are pretty cool and I enjoy the sandwiches your Mom makes when I come over to visit. They championed TV and battled hippies. They created The Godfather and shopping malls. They may also have been racist and homophobic but to be fair didn’t everything radically change for the better when they were sort of in charge during the 1960s? Yes! So let’s ignore their racism and homophobia!
Best Thing This Generation Created: N/A
Worst Thing This Generation Created: Helicopter parents.
The oldest kid in this generation is 16 but they still could have invented something or had a pop star or two. Step it up Assholes.
The only people I know from this generation are my nieces and nephew. Since I know no other children, I’m going to make sweeping generalizations that they are good people but will bother me too much to randomly play Star Wars boggle with them. They will also want to stop playing boggle when I am crushing them. They will also try to cheat at boggle but their sister will call out their cheating and then everyone will start crying. They are a low-risk, low-reward type generation.
3. Generation X
Best Thing This Generation Created: The Internet
Worst Thing This Generation Created: AIDS
A huge positive for this generation is its name. Generation X! So edgy. So whatever.
There’s a lot of range in this generation. They tried very hard to legitimize pop culture as a valid art form while also making the Internet a medium to rival newspapers/radio/TV/film as the dominant way to consume culture. They also ushered in the modern sports era, advertising era, and foodie culture. They also championed Limp Bizkit and cargo shorts. Like I said, a lot of range. As they seep into more authoritarian roles in our society, it’ll be interesting to see just how much power Fred Durst can yield.
The would have actually come in fourth but the baggy sweaters and huge jeans they put women into and suits that had enough fabric for three men into a single suit was a fashion nightmare.
Best Thing This Generation Created: Sexting
Worst Thing This Generation Created: Everything
Besides adderall, I’m not sure what Millennials bring to the table. They are very good at the Internet and creating apps and playing with apps. Basically they are great at using a cell phone while on adderall. They seem to be whiny but they were born into the tail end of American dominance so I can see why they are whiny.
On a more positive note, they do embrace hyperbole and caps lock as a valid form of argument, “Twizzlers are THE WORST. End of communication!” I can get VERY behind this!
1. Baby Boomers
Best Thing This Generation Created: Bill Clinton
Worst Thing This Generation Created: Crushing Financial Debt
This is very “Millennial” of me but I think we can all agree this generation fucked up, right? The hippie/social rights movement of the 60s was great, congrats on that! Of course, it was The Silent Generation guys/gals leading most of those demonstrations, rioting and trying to change the world. You also didn’t create most of the phenomenal music or film or novels of that period, that was The Silent Generation again. You guys just smoked a lot of weed and then created disco and arena rock in the 70s. Kudos?
Then the 80s came along and you were mostly grown up and fairly wealthy and all those “ideals” from the 60s you like to lament about were old hat as you wanted that sweet dolla dolla bill y’all or Reaganomics. You also revived draconian drug laws in the 80s to lock-up crack dealers. You latched onto power, consumed everything, and were the hands that helped destroy the Internet bubble in 2000 (You didn’t create the companies but created the frenzy that destroyed them) and the 2008 real estate market (Deregulation by politicians and fancy schmancy finance). You also didn’t stop 9/11. You also destroyed TV news and journalism. You also made it so every millennial has one trillion dollars in student loans. You’re also old and not dying anytime soon and will drain Medicare and Social Security dry. You hate rap music.
To be fair, not everyone in your generation is selfish. Sweeping generalizations are immensely fun but if you know five people, even if they are the same age/gender/race, they are different people. Grouping people by subjective standards is dangerous and we should never do it unless one group is particularly evil, like people who walk slowly on sidewalk or Lebron James fans.