I know I’m super late with this post, and I almost didn’t write it, but I made a promise to myself that I would write recaps of this confusing show at least through the battle rounds. So, even though there is literally nothing at stake, I am keeping my nonsense promise. It’s called principles. And I have them, when it counts the least.
With that being said, let’s talk about last week’s episode.
Round 1: Team Adam: Pip vs. Nathan
Because both Nathan and Pip sang old songs in their auditions, Adam gives them Amy Winehouse’s “You Know I’m No Good,” a bold choice for these two fresh-faced lads who seem a little less tortured and a lot less addicted to heroin than that song’s originator. Everyone acts like Pip has a clear advantage, even though they both sound the same to me and, given a choice, I always pick the person who dresses less like Colonel Sanders.
The battle itself is a pretty boring version of the song, and the most interesting thing is the revelation that Pip doesn’t seem to have a last name:
Adam Levine ignores my rule (just another in a long list, I also have rules about hair gel limits and the depth of a deep V) and picks Pip to win.
Round 2: Team Cee Lo: Erin vs. The Shields Brothers
Cee Lo chooses “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” for the three of them, which turns out to be really weird. The brothers are really loud, and Erin has a really quiet voice. You’d think there’d be an easy way to fix that, but everyone just whines and seems baffled by it. I spend quite a bit of time being baffled by Cee Lo’s watch.
Cee Lo and Ne-Yo don’t think that Erin is being sexy enough for this, which her former-model brain cannot compute. “I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that somebody didn’t think that I was not sexy,” she says, slipping one too many negatives in for the message that I think she was trying to communicate. See, physical beauty is all well and good, but grammar is what’s really sexy (no it’s not).
The battle itself is really weird, with the two styles clashing up a storm, creating an effect not unlike when you’re driving in an area where two radio signals are coming in on the same station (see, Erin? That’s how you use a double negative). Erin does attempt to bring the sexy:
Which Blake thanks her for, saying, “I’m married now, and women wearing outfits like that are all I have left.” Ew, Dad Blake Shelton, stop! You’re embarrassing us.
Despite the fact that Erin’s voice sounds, at times, very close to what I imagine the death rattle sounds like, Cee Lo feels he can do more with her than with the Shields brothers so Erin wins.
Round 3: Team Christina: Ashley vs. Jonathis
Christina assigns them “No Air” by Chris Brown and Jordin Sparks. I don’t know it, which makes me feel both old and proud. Seventeen year-old Ashley says she has two passions in life “singing and charity.” Not any specific cause, she just likes the general act of doing something good somehow for someone. Man, I’m so glad I wasn’t on a reality show when I was 17. At that age, there’s really no way not to sound like an asshole.
Jonathis rehearses with Lionel Richie and Christina, and when he sings to Christina he confesses that he gets lost in her beautiful blue eyes.
It’s on to the battle, and both Jonathis and Ashley are feeling the pressure. Jonathis, despite being 14 (I think), has his two kids to worry about, and Ashley really wants to win so that she can be one step closer to fulfilling her dream of giving back to the community.
They’re both good singers, but really weird dancers, and the whole thing is just a mess of slow shoulder shaking and skipping. Luckily, it’s not called “The Dance,” so Ashley wins. Good news for the community, which is really excited that someone is finally going to give back to it.
Round 4: Team Blake: ALyX vs. Jermaine
Blake chooses two people with very little sense of humor and assigns them Billy Ocean’s “Get Into My Car.” He says he wants to see them cut loose and have fun, and in response ALyX shoves an even bigger stick up her ass and explains to him that she is so serious about this because she takes it seriously. Well, this should be fun.
It’s pretty obvious to everyone, including ALyX, that Jermaine is going to win. The battle between them is actually really fun and good, despite ALyX’s desperate attempt to look like she’s enjoying herself by doing the white person what-do-I-do-with-my-hands overhead clap.
Luckily for everyone, Jermaine wins. Goodbye, ALyX. I hope you have a long and serious life.
Round 5: Team Adam: Angel vs. Katrina
Adam gives them “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis. Nothing really entertaining happens, except for what has become custom, the sort-of stoned advice given by Alanis Morisette (“Your boat has no holes, so paddle away, my friend”). Katrina and Angel are both good singers, but Angel has the saddest back story so my money was on her. I was wrong, though, and Katrina wins.
Round 6: Team Blake: Gwen vs. Erin
Blake picks Pat Benatar’s “We Belong to the Night” for them to sing, and they both do a good job with it. This one gets sad, because Erin’s dad has cancer and she finds out that he’s dying and has to decide whether to stay and sing or go be with him. She stays, and even though I think Gwen’s voice was better, I’m glad that Erin wins because that would be a tough choice to look back on if you lost. And her dad actually did die, which makes this a really sad way to end a blog post about a stupid reality show. So let’s look at a few more shots of ALyX trying to “cut loose.”
There, that’s better.