Mad Men Recap While Drunk 05×01 “A Little Kiss”

I like Mad Men.  I like drinking.  For this season, I will attempt to ‘live recap’ (sure?) the show while drinking alcohol.

Tonight’s beverage is 12-year-old Jameson.  I’ve had 1.5 drinks and nothing to eat since 2pm.  I’m sweating mildly but it’s 52 degrees outside.

12 Year-Old Jameson

A little aggressive for a Sunday night? Yes.

I love RJD2 but not this song.  The drama has already started in my brain y’all! [Ed. Note: When I drink I talk/write like either a rapper or I’m from the south.  This is my way of rebelling against my liberal northeastern roots.]

Protests!  So real!  It’s like #OccupyAllStreetsNawmean.  White people are The Worst.  I’ve been saying this since 1966.

Sally’s alarm sounds like it’s from the future.  Or it’s the soundtrack.  I can’t tell.  Everyone has apparently hit puberty as voices have dropped and growths have spurted.  Congrats youngins!

Don is turning 40!  Happy birthday!  Why am I using exclamations points as a joke crutch!?!?!

Pete is riding Metro North and you can buy a table and play cards on it?  Just like today!  Not like today.

HAHAHA BABY ASS.  Joanie’s got a baby.  I’ve also realized I’m typing about every scene and that’s so much work and I’m reconsidering this whole project so I can just enjoy the show instead of meta-analyzing it.

Don loves sex, has anyone else noticed this?

I love that there was an airline with an Indian mascot.  Is that racist what I just said?  Probably borderline.  Don’s new-fiancee better treat Peggy right or I’m going to euphemistically kill her.  Don’s bday is June 1st and mine is November 1st so we’re basically twinsies.

I really want bread.

Holy shit strollers was huge back in the day.  Joan’s hair is TOO red.  Like obviously a dye job.  I’m a hair guru.

DOn coming in to save a pitch.  Classic Don.  Let’s make beans cool!  I like that at some point “Ketchup” was considered cool.  Ketchup is the least cool commitment of all-time but this is 2012 Me talking and not 1966 Me who would have put ketchup on everything because I love anything cool.

Pete got a bloody nose and I have no idea how.  He’s also dropping “stable” knowledge on Ken.  I love Ken.  I’m the only person who loves Ken.   Ken secretly hates Ken.

I forget the dude’s name in the blue shirt who works with Peggy but it looks like he’s in the cutting phase of his diet.  Good job blue shirt.

Commercial Break – Microsoft just had dubstep in their commercial.  Shut up Microsoft.

I love this gay black dude.  I want him at my surprise parties.  And that chubby guy in media lost weight.  Everyone is slender in S5!

HAHA Roger!  Such a douche.  There has never been a more lovable douchebag in douchebag history than Roger Sterling.  There’s a lot of 60s references going on now, did anyone know a war was going on then?  I didn’t.  This is also the worst rock band of all-time.  People are just sitting on the floor?  This is a thing in 60s parties?  Seems dirty.  Remember when Peggy and Pete fucked and had a baby?  That was good times.  Does smoking tea mean smoking weed?  Love it.  LOVE IT.

Commercial Break – Wrath of the Titans just had dubstep in their commercial.  Shut up Wrath of the Titans.

Peggy is drunk and saying ill shit to Don. Classic work mistake while drinking at a work party.  I’ve witnessed this first hand and it’s hilarious.  Toothy McGee is singing the worst song in the history of recorded French music.  Where’s the Daft Punks?

Is there anything better than collapsing on a perfectly made bed after a party?  I say no.  Don basically saying, “GTFO” to Montreal.  Classic Don.  Is she going to kill herself on this ledge?  Nope.

English dude is so nice to the cab driver but secretly kind of a dick?  I can’t tell.  Oh is that porn in some random dude’s wallet?  Awesome.

Is Joan’s mom retarded or slutty?  I can’t tell.  Maybe both?  It’s very possible.

This secretary that is ugly is the annoying in 19 different ways.  Sterling is 19 different ways of awesome.  Also, are they going to hire a black guy?  I can’t see it.  I hope they do.

Tiny couch for all the big wigs.  Pete needs a huge office.  Roger theoretically takes his dick and slaps Pete across the face.

Harry is such an idiot mocking Don’s wife.  This is what happens when fat guys lose weight, they get new found confidence and make many social faux pas.  This is why my motto is, “Stay humble, stay chubby.”

Lane has called a phone-sex hot line inadvertently.  If he starts jacking it, I’m turning this off.

Harry Crane’s desk looks like a mini-desk for dwarfs or idiots.

And why did he suddenly become a huge idiot?  “Uh, er, uh, I need my office.” Shut up.  Oh shit, Roger got LIL B money son!  Roger just Rogered Harry, “Get out of my office!”  Classic Roger.

Joan is wearing gloves and opening doors and trying to have it all while also having to lug around those huge breasts.  Why is every time someone talks to Joan it seems like a fight is about to break out?  Joan is going to choke a bitch in a minute.  Megan is fearful of Joan, she should be.  F Megan.  Peggy hates babies.  I love Peggy.

I like that Quebec is upset that everyone is cynical.  Everyone is you bitch!  It’s called the big city, not the little town where everyone gets along.  And no one likes surprise parties.

There are a ton of commercials but this is Mad Men so I guess that’s expected?  I don’t know.

Joan’s crying.  I feel bad for any remarks about her or her Mom now.  Not about her huge breasts though.  Am I spelling Joan right?  I’m pretty sure I am.  It’s not Joanne, is it?

“I saw his soul leave his body.” I want that to happen to me at some point.

Harry has gone Full Retard.

Mr. Price is upset that slut didn’t show up.  And he’s keeping the picture?  Is this guy a pimp or just a scrubby dude with a really hot girl?  Oh, that’s some girl he bangs and pays her.  I’ve heard of that industry.  Prostitution I believe it’s called on the Internet?

Where is Don’s apartment?  Oh these two are pissed at each other.  Wow, that outfit is not flattering UNTIL she bent over.  AAAAAND this just became some weird S&M thing?  WTF?

Pete has gone Full Douche.

Montage of everyone’s sad little lives.  It’s hard being upper-class and white and in New York City!

“Is it just me or is the lobby full of Negros?”  I love that the English dude is progressive.  He loves black women and whores.  Not weird at all.

I can’t tell if this was a good or bad ep.  I’ll read other recaps tomorrow and then figure it out.  Later.

This entry was posted in Television. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s