While Mitt Romney is still far and away the likeliest Republican nominee for the 2012 election, he’s got one major negative that worries both the media and the Republican party: he’s boring. There’s nothing about him that will inspire the masses or sell newspapers (to be fair, nothing sells newspapers anymore). So, many are still holding their breath for a more interesting election year narrative. The hypothetical scenarios being bantered about include an open convention, a brokered convention and, my personal favorite, a last minute dark horse candidate entering the race.
Since all realistic candidates have either announced they’ll stay out of it or already entered and dropped out due to illicit affairs or undiagnosed mental defects, let’s look at some less likely candidates who would make this election year far more exciting.
5. Sarah Palin
The scenario: With her usual political savvy, Sarah Palin waits almost too long to fulfill the media’s dreams and enter the race.
Political platform: Unintelligible
Why it’s awesome: Palin single-handedly saved the 2008 election from being just another election about the economy and our ongoing wars. Boring. Her accent, charisma and mastery of word salad made her a star of both the political and comedy arenas, in addition to reminding people that Saturday Night Live was still on the air.
4. Omar Little (played by Michael K. Williams)
The scenario: Republicans decide to inject a little star power into this year’s election by convincing well-known gun nut and fictional felon, Omar Little, to enter the race.
Political platform: Pro-gun, anti-briefcase. Staunch capitalist, who opposes government involvement and regulation in business. Pro-gay marriage, but keeps that on the DL.
Why it’s awesome: We all miss Omar, and including him on the ticket would go a long way toward changing perceptions of the Republican party. Plus, I think debating Omar would make Santorum pee his pants a little, and who doesn’t want to see that?
3. Marianne Gingrich (the former Mrs. Gingrich)
The scenario: Following the success of her Nightline interview, Gingrich’s ex-wife decides to jump into the race to vent a little more about what a jerk Newt is.
Political platform: Anti-Gingrich
Why it’s awesome: Even people who like Gingrich kind of hate Gingrich, so I think we’d all enjoy seeing him forced to debate his ex-wife on the finer points of why he’s an asshole.
2. Savage & Savage
Platform: Pro and anti gay marriage, gun control, abortion, welfare and tax reform
Why it’s awesome: America loves odd couples. Just look at Neil Simon’s The Odd Couple, which was a play, a movie, a TV show and a remake, which is the kind of overkill usually reserved for Marilyn Monroe or Spiderman. And with the country becoming more and more divided, doesn’t it make sense to put together a presidential ticket that appeals to the extremes?
1. The Second Coming of Christ
The scenario: Jesus comes back and, instead of bringing about the Rapture, instead runs for the Republican nomination.
Political platform: Pro-welfare, universal healthcare and taxing the rich. Anti-judgement. Pro-wine.
Why it’s awesome: Romney, Santorum and Gingrich all really want this, and I don’t doubt that they want it badly enough to run a smear campaign on the son of God. I would especially enjoy Santorum’s television ads asking if we really want a Middle Eastern socialist as our president.