This is it, the night of the final decision. Catherine or Lindsay, Lindsay or Catherine?
We’re in Chiang Rai, Thailand.
There’s an elephant just wandering around in the opening shot of Sean arriving. That’s symbolism for something. Perhaps Sean’s guilt over sending AshLee home is the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. Or perhaps Sean NEVER FORGETS to be careful in his decision-making. Or perhaps it was just an elephant walking around. Only time will tell. Sean’s family shows up to pass judgment on the two remaining girls. Remember, this is a family that was burned once before because they met Emily and then had to watch her reject Sean. So they might have their guard up…..like an elephant guarding its young!
-Catherine is up first. The first thing I notice is that they are all drinking water. Someone here has a drinking problem and it isn’t me for once. Catherine passes little notes to Sean all the time, and that is her selling point to Sean’s mom. Alright, let’s move on. Sean’s dad asks Catherine if she believes in The Bachelor process. This is getting kind of meta. But Catherine says that she believes in “big love”
Interesting. Sean’s dad tells Catherine that if Sean picks her that she’ll be fully welcomed into the family and Catherine is touched. Catherine does well with the fam, so she passes that test. Next, she has to fight an elephant! Nah, she just has to go back to her hotel. Sean claims he’s still undecided.
-Lindsay is next. Lots of elephants shown in the background again. Such a waste that they’re just hanging out in the hotel when there are elephants to be had.
Sean’s family sees Lindsay and says “oh thank heavens, she’s white.” Nah, they seem like good people. I’d like to take a second to talk about Sean’s dad. The guy goes for the heart strings like an elephant on cocaine. First, he tells Catherine that if she joins the family that he would look forward to being her best friend. Catherine cried. Then he tells Lindsay that on the day Sean was born they started praying for his wife. Lindsay cried. God help you if you’re at a wedding where this guy is giving a toast. Lindsay did well with the family too. The family isn’t going to be a tiebreaker. Sean’s mom is worried that he might propose to someone he isn’t 100% sold on. Don’t worry, Sean. If you aren’t sure you can just not propose to either of them, become one of America’s great villains, and then get invited back to screw it up again
-On to the FINAL dates of this season:
-Lindsay is first. They’re jumping on a raft and going sightseeing on the Mekong River. “That side is Myanmar, and that side is Thailand,” says Sean. “WHAT?!?” says Lindsay. Geography excites her. If only she could have seen me playing Carmen Sandiego
They exchange sweet talk, and Lindsay tells Sean again that she loves him and she’s never fallen so hard. Lindsay has a surprise for Sean, she’s arranged for them to light traditional lanterns and send them off into the cosmos. That was very sweet. It was a good date, I don’t think there were any game-changers so it is tough to read. It is worth nothing, however, that it was an elephant-free date in a land of elephants.
-Catherine is up next. ELEPHANT ELEPHANT ELEPHANT!!!!! THEY ARE RIDING AN ELEPHANT. I got to do that once, it is very fun because you know at any point the elephant could just tear you off its back with its trunk and swallow you whole. Or stomp you to death. Or form a civilization with your bones
Catherine tells Sean that she has a hard time opening up, but that she’s never had what she has with Sean. This feels like something she should be saying a long time ago rather than on the eve of proposal, but Sean seems very positive about it.
They have a tough goodbye in her hotel room. So was it a tough goodbye because he is planning on rejecting her, or a tough goodbye because he wants to stay with her? It seems to me more like the latter, but Sean is playing it close to the vest right now. He’s probably good at poker.
Catherine is frustrated because she can’t tell where he’s feeling. It was tough for her to say “I love you” and hear “thanks” in return. But at least it’s better than “Hey! Look at the time!” or “ugh, someone kill me” or “what’s your name again?”
-The next day Sean says he’s made up his mind. He picks out the ring. I’m not a diamond expert but he seems to have followed the advice of a monkey or a parrot by picking the shiniest one.
-I AM SO FREAKING NERVOUS, IT IS PROPOSAL/REJECTION TIME:
Lindsay is first, and she gets the rejection. The rejection includes Sean saying “I love you,” so kind of mixed messages. Lindsay tells him to stop and thank God she did because that was getting PAINFUL. “This is really painful, this is my nightmare, and I can’t imagine my life without you,” says Lindsay. Well that didn’t get any easier. Sean, you are a monster.
So that means Catherine is getting the proposal. BUT WAIT, Chris Harrison has a letter from her for Sean. We cut to commercial before it’s revealed. Obviously you’re going to be reading this after the fact so you can’t verify my predictions, but I think it is totally obvious that the note is just going to be some lovy-dovy, cutesy-wutesy stuff and ABC just did some clever editing to make it seem dramatic….
And sure enough it’s just a cheesy love letter. He proposes to Catherine, she says yes and tells him he looks handsome. THEN THEY RIDE AN ELEPHANT AWAY. BEST ENGAGEMENT EVER.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE:
-Lindsay is up seeking a little closure. She asks Sean what was missing. Sean liked Catherine better, that’s about the best closure you can ask for, honey. Lindsay really keeps asking what it was that wasn’t there, what it was that helped him pick Catherine over her, but she doesn’t get any firm answers. There’s no firm answers in matters of the heart. That’s what I always say. Seriously, I always say it.
-Catherine basically says that she knew it was coming all along. Even when she was crying because she was sad in her hotel room the night of their final date, she claims she was also crying because she was happy. Nice revisionist history you smug son of a bitch.
-All show long they hype up a big announcement. The speculation was rampant: is she preggo? Are they still together? Are they living together? Is HE preggo?
The big news is that they’re going to get married on TV. Meh. That isn’t much of a bombshell.
-More importantly, DESIREE is announced as the next Bachelorette. I think that will work out. She’s gorgeous and she has enough of a personality to carry a show. She also has just enough crazy to make sure that the show will be entertaining.
FINAL VERDICT: On paper I think they’re a strong couple. They both have goofy sides and they seemed like they actually talked about more things with each other than just how much they liked kissing each other (*cough* Lindsay *cough*). Reality show couples have an awful track record, though. I still think of Catherine’s sisters saying that she falls in love and then gets bored, so that will be a development to keep an eye on. The announcement of a TV marriage means they’ll probably at least stick it out until that happens. At the very least they’re a couple starting off on a better foundation than Courtney and Ben.
Thanks for watching along this season, whether you found this on facebook, twitter, or through a really messed up and/or perverted Google image search. I miss you when you’re gone, and I appreciate you more than an elephant ride over the horizon.