It’s that time again, friends. Jersey Shore is back. As I’m sure you know, they are back in Seaside Heights and have added a new cast member “Deena Nicole” (no way that’s a real name) who we will get to later. As is required by law, I will now rank all the cast members while also comparing them to NFL Playoff Teams.
Without a doubt the easiest ranking and comparison, Sammi is the Seattle Seahawks. No one likes you. No one cares about you. No one wants you here. Go away. Sammi is quickly approaching Tyra Banks as the celebrity I’d most want to set on fire. The worst part about her is that she ruins Ronnie, who can be transcendent as we saw during Season 2. Good news is that I’m pretty sure she and Ronnie break up and she leaves the show early, just like the Seahawks.
7. Deena Nicole
Kansas City Chiefs. This one wasn’t easy so stick with it. She seemingly comes out of nowhere and a lot of people don’t know much about her but die hards like myself have been on her for a while(Jamaal Charles). She’s feisty, kind of on her own turf(lives just outside of Seaside) and won’t go away easily. That was a little forced, but whatever. Deena claims to be friends with Snookie who “invited” her to come to the house. In reality she is just another piece of human garbage who auditioned for the show the first time. SHOCKINGLY, she manages to get drunk and naked, denied by The Situation, and drop the C-Bomb on Sammie in the first 5 hours. Major potential here for this young team.
Ronnie is definitely the Jets. He talks a huge game. He isn’t afraid of anyone. When he’s on, he can wow you. The problem is that he rarely reaches his potential and mainly looks like crap. He’s held down the horrible bitch Sammi(Mark Sanchez) who prevents him from being any good.
This was really a tough one. Vinny is the Falcons. He’s young and just coming into his own. He probably can’t win it all but he’ll damn sure try his hardest. He’s nice and inoffensive and doesn’t really do anything special. Vinny Ice keeps it cool and handles his business. His best days are ahead of him.
Snooki the Steelers. She is fat and got hit in the face. Anyway, I really need to talk about this picture above. In case you can’t tell, Snooki is sitting inside a mini-fridge drinking soda. She is wearing a pink shirt, a pink hat, and two mismatched socks. Surrounding her is a bottle of wine, a RedBull, a bag of Cheezits, and what I can only guess is a large bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream. This is the greatest picture of all time.
3. DJ Pauly D
Pauly is the Saints. He looks good in gold, loves to have a good time, and was kind of hanging in the background this season. He could break out at any moment and just take over. Without a doubt, he has the highest potential. Pauly is really one of my favorites, so I’m going to take some time to talk about him here. I legitimately think that Pauly is a good person. Sure, he has a genital piercing, but he’s got a great heart! And you can’t pierce heart, or at least they haven’t tried yet. Pauly seems like a pretty genuine guy. He is honest and seems very self aware. Along with Vinny, he takes the role of the conscience of the show, always in the background to narrate and comment on the happenings.
2. J WOWW
JWOWW is obviously the Ravens. She is tough, badass, fearless, and doesn’t take any shit. She’ll get herself in trouble every now and again, but she looks great(crazy). You can’t deny her greatness. But there is a vulnerable side to her. She’s getting up there in age and is holding it together with duct tape and staples. She knows she’s got to strike while the iron is hot. Her main problem is that she’s being held back by her boyfriend (Cam Cameron) who is keeping her from what she really should be. The good news is that Jenni breaks up with her boyfriend this season. Things could get wild.
1. The Situation
This one was easy. Mike is the New England Patriots. He lies, cheats, and generally acts like a total piece of shit most of the time. He makes some debatable career moves (Dancing With the Stars, UGGS). He is the extremely hateable. Fortunately for him, he’s so fucking good that you just can’t deny the greatness. You can knock him down, steal his girl, trade his star receiver, and he still keeps coming back better than ever.
Well, there you have it. This season should be interesting at least. The cast members are so ridiculously famous that they are constantly being hounded by photogs and fans and their house had to be surrounded by security. What does this mean? It damn sure means that the glory days are long gone. Ronnie will never again be in fights on the boardwalk and Snooki won’t be getting punched in the face any time soon. But there is still a lot out there. The potential of the newly single Ronnie and JWOWW will be intriguing at least and there’s always Snooki and The Situation. Deena could provide a spark while Pauly and Vinny will be there to keep things real. Plus, we can always hope that Sammi either spontaneously combusts or gets punched in the face. We can always hope.